June 21, 2015

the hardest part

as i sit in the rocking chair, in my son's room for the night. he drank his night-time milk, and i slowly rock him back 'n forth in my arms. dish rag in his mouth (it's his form of a nuk) and his legs crossed on top of my lap. everything is quiet, he is actually laying in my lap, not wanting to get up and move around. i hold him just a little tighter, breathe him in just a little sweeter. i realize that this is the hardest part of parenting. it isn't the long nights of zero sleep. it isn't the countless hold your breath diaper changes, praying he doesn't pee. it isn't the IV's and breathing tubes when he was in the NICU as a preemie and countless pokes at the doctors.

it is nights like these were i realize he has grown from his tiny little chicken legs. his muscles are stronger, and soon those legs will be running all round the house. they used to be wrapped up in swaddled blankets, covered in adorable footie button-up pajamas. this is the hardest part, watching him grow up before your eyes, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. not even pause just for a second. it's hard to remember every little detail. i barely remember what he was like as a newborn, how quickly it fades without the help of videos and photographs. understanding that soon this little 20lb peanut, will be a grown man; hopefully towering over me. meeting someone and raising a family of his own. hopefully rocking his own little baby the same way. sending those sweet soft kisses to their forehead, whispering "i love you"s as you lay them into their crib for the night.

tomorrow he will be just a little bigger, just a little smarter, just a little taller. and you can't make it stop. not matter how hard you seem to try.

June 16, 2015

need. motivation


i've gotten lazy, or busy, or both? i want to put full blame my tremendous lack of motivation. it's hard to get everything done in a day that i want to get accomplished, and working out is one that gets put on the way back burner. i come up with any excuse in the book not to. babe, it's too hot out. i should really get laundry started so he has pjs. i just ate. the whining goes on and on. you're lucky you can't hear the things that go off in my head, just as sad.

but honestly every day, it's slowly starting to eat away at me. i used to be a size 6 (pre-baby). i loved those kettle bell workouts, and my flat stomach. all of those pre-baby clothes were sold at my rummage sale or given to the thrift store. i couldn't handle them being at home anymore and me not being able to fit into them. my hips seem like they will no longer be able to go back to the way they once were. i had motivation: my husband coming home from deployment. now? he's home and all we want to do is relax on the couch watching our son attempt to walk all over the place.

i need to start again. i need to find that rhythm again. i've always enjoyed running. in high school i ran under a 5:25 mile, believe it or not. i made it to state in cross country, a goal i worked hard to accomplish my senior year. you'd think i'd keep that going even after running in college, but i haven't. why not? it's hard weighing myself in at my 32-week pregnancy weight, with NO baby.

thankfully its the start of summer. oh joy, swimsuit weather. non-the-less warm weather to enjoy more time outside. i've downloaded the Nike+ app on my phone and put in the date of a half marathon in the beginning of the fall. that there ladies and gentlemen, is my new found motivation. to enjoy running, build back (or piece together as much as i can) the body i once had. plus more outside time for baby, means an earlier bedtime too. double plus! this post is published to make me more accountable. local friends, have a workout and need a buddy (let me know), fellow bloggers, bug the crap out of me to make sure i'm sticking with it! i need you.